A BREAST CANCER MEMOIR: BARING ALL AND BEARING ALL – Why, oh why, did I write this book?

Putting pen to paper, pushing keys on the board and documenting this whole breast cancer shitfest via many clicks of a camera button, has immersed me deeper into this world of breast cancer. To produce Show US Your Tits – Baring All and Beating Breast Cancer, I’ve had to re-live the ordeal time and time again as I write, read, look at photos and edit my breast cancer memoir.

Of course I feel like I’ve never quite got it right.

Have I written enough? Too much?

Have I been too open and vulnerable? Will I regret that?

Have I been too offensive with my frank and direct language?

I could write a long list of self-imposed and constraining questions and worry about the fallout and outcomes, and if I took these to heart, I would never finish or publish this project.

And so I forge ahead into the unknown as a first time author and just lay everything on the table. My emotions, my nightmares, the laughs, the tears and lots of pictures of bare boobs being altered through the challenging process of breast cancer operations and subsequent reconstruction.

Honesty was a big thing for me when writing this memoir. I want Australians out there – both women and men, to know how this disease impacted me, my family and my friends, because my case is fairly typical of how this shitfest called breast cancer can go.

How surgery, on breasts (that I truly found to be one of my best physical assets), gutted me. How the brutal regime of dose-dense chemotherapy crushed me and literally had me crawling on the floor like an animal. How I picked myself up off that floor, recovered and rebuilt myself physically and psychologically. I may not have metallic or computerised parts, but I do feel a strong affiliation to The Bionic Woman.

Imposter syndrome is running rampant within me at the moment. Here are some lovely and supportive comments my brain keeps pumping out as publication draws nearer:

• Who am I to write a book? How ridiculous!

• Some 21 000 Australians get diagnosed with breast cancer every year in this country. There are so many BC warriors – who is going to care enough to buy and read this paticular story?

• You’re kidding yourself – author? HA!

• You’re BC was only stage 2 – that’s not important enough to write a book about!

• No one will buy it. You’ve wasted your time, money and energy on a ridiculous pie-in-the-sky project.

• It’s terribly written. People are going to laugh at you.

• What about all those photos of your boobs – are you going to feel shame and embarrassment?

I sometimes feel a sense of panic as publication draws nearer. If only I could ascertain the consensus of opinion and pull this from publication if need be. I know all these doubting thoughts are not selling my book to you.

I am sometimes too honest for my own good.

Oh, I could fill pages and pages with this voice and these undermining statements.

I’ve had to muffle its volume, squash it down, rise above it and … JUST DO IT ANYWAY!

As Snoopy says, we only DIE once – we live every day. I had a vision and went about making it happen because I wanted to help people.

Baring All and Bearing All

For as much as this book is about me, it is about SO much more. When I focus on these important outcomes, my discouraging imposter voice is silenced and my heart is full of hope and self-gratitude for getting through this process.

There are THREE things that help me wade through the self-doubt, slap the imposter hard, and charge ahead.

1. THIS MEMOIR WILL SAVE LIVES

I do firmly believe that every woman who reads this breast cancer memoir will start improving their action and awareness around breast health. This could be through more thorough and regular self-checks or increasing the frequency of GP checks. If they are 40+ they will re-evaluate their reluctance or tardiness with regular mammograms and get themselves booked in for one ASAP. As a result of this improved vigilance and self-care, some of those women WILL be diagnosed with breast cancer, hopefully at earlier and curable stages. That is a pretty important outcome don’t you think?

2. THIS MEMOIR WILL HELP OTHER BC WARRIORS

Anyone who has fought or is currently fighting this disease will glean something helpful from this memoir. Although our stories will be different in many facets, there will be integration and meshing of feelings, experiences and ideas. I have been honest about the depths of despair that I found myself sobbing through AND I have harnessed the humour and associated belly-laughs all in a well-balanced written and pictorial package, tied up with hope and determination.

3. THE DONATION OF ALL PROCEEDS TO BREAST CANCER CARE WA (BCCWA)

So far this has been a 15K project! If I am able to sell all 1000 copies I will not only be able to recoup my costs –but direct all proceeds to the amazing not-for-profit organisation – Breast Cancer Care WA. The people there are amazing. I hope the total donation will surmount to 12k+. BCCWA help West Australian women, men and their families through breast cancer and beyond, providing breast cancer care, counselling services, financial and emotional support all free of charge. I wish to give back to this community funded organisation because without them I would not have fared so well through the trauma that is breast cancer and would not be writing this blog today!

So to hell with the self-doubt.

There are more important things at stake here.

If this book saves one life through any of the above pathways then I will be a happy author!

JO xx

#BreastCancer #ABreastCancerMemoir #BCCWA #TheBionicWoman #ImposterSyndrome #BreastCancerShitfest #HeartFullOfHope